February 14, 2015
My Husband is Sleeping with my Best Friend!
…and that’s awesome!
My word, it’s been a long time since I’ve written here! Partly that’s because Michael and I have been fairly low-key about seeking partners, and partly there was simply too much else on my plate, but there’s been a recent development that’s quickly getting serious.
Due to some health stuff, my sex drive has been practically nil for a couple of years now, but between knowing he could get his physical needs met elsewhere if necessary and simply being a very wonderfully patient guy, Michael has been fine with it. That’s changing lately, but until very recently, I used to love to joke that it would be highly convenient if he and my high-sex-drive-but-dates-jerks best friend hooked up. After all, they get along great, have interests in common, both like sex (yay!), and she is a person I trust completely.
At first she was almost horrified; she accepts our choices, but she’s pretty strictly monogamous, herself. Well, until now, she has been. After her last boyfriend turned into Mr. Hyde, she confessed that she was sick of losers and was really hungry for a little physical intimacy with a guy she didn’t have to worry about betraying her. And I told Michael. And he sent her a text. And they started discussing it…
Elisa is still nervous as hell, but she took the leap, and I’m hopeful that their friendship is going to blossom into something really fucking awesome. In the meantime, I just kissed my hubby a very sexy goodbye and sent him off to my best friend’s bed (footnote, they haven’t had sex yet, but they’ve fooled around and actually slept together), and I am SO okay with that.
Compersion? Yes! And not a speck of jealousy or ill will. AND I get the whole damn bed to myself tonight. Win-win-win!
May 24, 2012
I’m Not Watching Her Kid!
Michael has been chatting with a nice young lady (she’s a year younger than me, so I think I can officially call her that) on a dating site, and the time has come… They’re going to meet! It has, you may have noticed, been a LONG time since either of us has dated any, so this was a sort of big deal and I am getting emotionally used to the idea, again, of sharing him. Their first meeting is to be a get-to-know you while our kid (4) and hers (5) play together, no hanky-panky.
And suddenly it occurs to me what a convenient solution that might be for them – let Kathleen watch the kids, after all, they play great together! And we’ll go have a romantic dinner. My first, intense, knee-jerk, nut kicking reaction is “OMG NO!” And this before the idea has even been conceived of by anyone but me. Pretty intense, but upon further inspection, not unreasonable. (And before I get too much farther into this post I just want to say, I’m not saying I’d never watch her kid, but it would have to be after I had gotten to know and like HER, and after she and her child were an established and steady part of our lives.)
The thing is, when Michael and Becky were dating, I was a facilitator. My needs became secondary as I smoothed the road and made sure that all obstacles to their togetherness were removed where possible, despite the fact that this was neither my responsibility nor my role (or should not have been). Becky, who claimed all the “poly experience” should have known better and asked me to back off, but that is neither here nor there. The fact is, babysitting a kid I barely know so that my husband can go have a romantic evening with a woman I barely know… It’s wonderfully convenient for them, but unless she’s paying me $10 an hour, it’s definitely putting my needs and wants below the establishment and growth of their relationship.
Logically, we have kids the same age and if I’m watching one kid, why not two? But emotions are a very different matter, as are perceptions (I don’t exactly want my husband’s new girlfriend to see me as the nanny or the pushover or the person to use for her convenience!) And for that reason, unless she becomes a serious partner of Michael’s and unless she and I (and her KID and I! And her kid and MY kid!) get along, she’s just going to have to call a sitter.
Heck, logically we should all just live with our parents for the rest of our lives and save the money on rent, but sometimes you just have to think of yourself. 🙂
Blessings,
Kathleen
October 23, 2010
Stepping Back
Michael and I have been going through some hard times lately. Not that we’re looking at a total breakdown of our relationship or anything scary like that, but some stuff (entirely unrelated to poly) has been cropping up and getting in the way. We have had a long talk about it, and I asked for a bit of time to work on our problems without any outside dating. If one of us were already dating things might be a different matter, but since we are both currently not dating, poly is on hold for a while. (I’m personally hoping to resolve things in no more than a month, but you can’t force or predict emotions).
What does this say about poly in general? I found it easiest to imagine that, for example, Michael had a serious girlfriend, and they were having problems. What would be an appropriate reaction from me? In my mind, I think it would be most reasonable for me to step back and allow him the time and energy that it takes to resolve important emotional issues with the theoretical issues. Poly can’t work with an entirely selfish mindset. Does our primary relationship take precedence? Probably, but that doesn’t mean that outside relationships are unimportant, and sometimes as primary I have to be flexible.
If you are in a primary relationship and trying to get into poly, there are two outcomes you can expect. It will make all of the cracks in your relationship gap wide for you to see, and the two outcomes possible from this are solving those core problems, or dissolving the relationship. Right now we have found a new crack in our marriage, and we are taking the time and stepping back from outside stressors so that we can fix what is wrong. It’s one of the things that I love about poly, actually.
September 3, 2010
Being a One Cock Lady
I am poly, no doubt about it. I had casual sex with a lady friend last year without a regret or a second thought. But I find it more and more likely that I am a one cock lady nonetheless. It isn’t that I am disgusted by men or by the penis, or even that I don’t enjoy male attention. In fact, over the years I have had more male friends than female in general, and I’m happy with that. But whenever things start to look like they will head in the direction of intimacy, I get squeamish and start to lose interest. It took me a while to figure out why that was.
That’s not to say that I will never have sex with another guy. I really don’t know what will happen in the future, and there have been one or two extremely rare cases where a guy has had HUGE attraction for me. The fact that both of them looked a lot like my husband in several key features might or might not be relevant here. 😉
The fact is, you don’t have to want to sleep around to be poly. I may or may not enter a relationship with a woman eventually (I would like to, but I am SO BAD at knowing when women are flirting with me), and I probably will not date anymore men. I’ve given thought to closing our relationship given the fact that neither of us has much interest in seeking partners, but it feels like closing the door on some intangible wisp of a thing that is forming just over the horizon. I don’t know what the future holds, but for now, there’s just one cock for me.
March 30, 2010
When it Rains
It sure has been pouring in my life lately! After three years of being poly, I officially have my first boyfriend, Matt. We went on our first date, and although we are both super busy people, we’ve been tickling our schedules into submission. I get to see him again on Friday (we think). He’s going through the final negotiations with his lady wife tonight. I’m not sure what we’ll be doing, probably just hanging out again.
My romance with him is going nicely, so of course now is also the time when I finally find a playmate worthy of enjoying in the BDSM club. My husband tops me, but I am a switch, and boy have I been in need of a chew toy. Or maybe a scratching post. Whatever it is I need, Michael is just very glad that I have found Pet and no longer feel the need to gnaw on him at every opportunity (yes, I’m odd, but you already knew that).
Pet was very nervous and almost didn’t show, but I think that we are both glad he did. The dungeon was hosting a sampler night so that people can see demos of various methods of play, and he showed a lot of interest in caning, which was neat. He also got a little doe eyed at the sight of my flogger, and asked me to play. Woohoo! He can take a good amount of pain, is willing to go for more, and is the perfect sub for taking out my sadistic tendencies. Plus he is totally new to kink, so I get to train him up from scratch.
I was also messaged out of the blue by a sub that I had talked to months ago. He was sort of a creep and he vanished, but now he’s back and ready for action. He has been blocked. Two good men are quite enough for now, especially since they are both new to me. Anyway, men who love drama are just… ugh.
Blessings,
Kathleen
March 13, 2010
Lizzie’s Brand of Selfishness
Matt’s wife Lizzie is selfish. There isn’t a question about it, it is just who she is. Because of my experiences with Becky as well as some older childhood programming, I have very, very negative feelings toward selfish people. Matt thinks that this is undeserved, and that I need to rethink my feelings on selfishness. The thing is, I see a vast difference between being selfish enough to care for yourself, which is healthy, and a refusal to put anyone else first except perhaps in the most extreme circumstances, which is, in my opinion, not. Lizzie falls into the latter category.
I don’t want to blanket insult her, and I know that even the mildest of factual statements about some of Becky’s behavior was commented upon quite negatively, which I totally understand. Still, please know that while she doesn’t read this blog, I know what is said here, and I have to make nice with this woman as much as possible. This is as much for my understanding as anything, and a need to get it out and express my feelings on the situation. So, in short, no Lizzie-bashing in the comments, please, my dears. Thank you.
I may go into their history later, but for now, just the recent stuff will do. About a year ago, Matt and Lizzie decided that they would be poly. They had poly friends to show them the way, and Lizzie had a big crush on one of these poly friends. This friend dated Lizzie for a few months, I believe, and enjoying a sexual relationship, she decided that she was deliriously in love with him. When she told him so, he said it was unfair to continue a relationship in which he couldn’t feel the same. In short, he dumped her because she wanted more than sex. I knew he was a jerk from the start and wasn’t surprised (he was also juggling two girlfriends with rocky relationships at the same time), but it was never my place to interfere. While the two of them were still cozy, however, I met Matt for the first time after chatting online for a while. We had a nice chat, along with their one year old baby, and he decided to bring me back to the family owned store to say ‘hello’ before I went home. Please note, this was not a date. Upon entering the store, I was hit with a backlash of violently negative energy from Lizzie. She was jealous and territorial both with the store and with Matt, and after glaring at me, ignored me until I decided to leave.
Matt and I didn’t meet again in person until recently, however we continued to be friends through chats and emails. I had decided that because of his wife, I would not date him. I tend toward being low drama, and that was quite enough for me.
In the mean time, Lizzie had a brief sexual fling with an old college boyfriend, then hooked up with an old high school boyfriend, entering very quickly into sex and talk of love, and practically moving him in for half the week after only a few months of dating. I don’t know much about the guy except that Matt likes and respects him, so that is good enough for me. Again, NONE of my business. Throughout this year of dating exploits on Lizzie’s part, Matt developed emotional attachments to several women, none of whom worked out as a girlfriend. He did push the limits of their agreements once, and sexted with a woman, which caused a backlash with his wife later. Other than that, he was a perfect monk, but Lizzie claims not to trust him emotionally, manages his relationships, and has done her best so far to make our own budding relationship difficult at best.
I could almost understand this behavior, if not sympathize, except that Lizzie is not precisely keeping Matt for herself, either. Why do I say this? I know from him that she rarely agrees to have sex with him, despite a raging sex life with her boyfriend even in the same house while Matt is in another room. He does very well not taking this out on Boyfriend, but he feels deprived, and since I care about him, that upsets me. In my experience, she takes advantage of him for babysitting, especially when she wants to be alone with Boyfriend, but forces him to beg and negotiate to get time to come visit with his current love interest (me). I’ve seen him exactly once this year, and that was on a “friendship” basis. We’ll be seeing each other again in a few days on a dating basis, and let me tell you, it was a hard road to get there.
First, Lizzie demanded that we slow down because she can’t trust him. I pointed out to him that we have been perfectly well behaved over the last year, have had opportunities and desire to push the limits and did not, and that he has made only one indiscretion, which was not even explicitly forbidden at the time, and has been proving himself ever since to apparently no avail. I also pointed out that when we first met he was raring to date me, and I slowed things down because I realized his motives were not ideal (he wanted things to be “fair” – Lizzie was dating, so he wanted to, also). What more, I asked, do we have to do to prove ourselves, and what has she done to prove herself after falling into bed with three men other than her husband in the space of a single year?
He spoke with her and came back to me with a tentative agreement that we could date. Eventually. But first we should meet as friends a few more times just to be sure of our chemistry. I flat refused, telling him that my own husband does not stretch to manage my relationships in that way, and that it was up to us to decide if we had chemistry and when to act on it. I refused to have my hand held by his wife. He sheepishly agreed and stated that it made him angry to hear me accuse him of being “managed”, but agreed that it was indeed the case. He went back for more talking.
I won’t go through all the details or hoops – this post is already too long – but suffice it to say, many conversations and delays later, and we have freedom to make our own relationship decisions independent of his wife, and one date planned for next week. One that I am very much looking forward to. It seems I got drawn in despite the selfishness and drama.
Blessings,
Kathleen
March 11, 2010
A Reawakening
Michael and I settled into a pretty long period of, if not monogamy, at least not active polyamory. Sure, we kept our minds open, but nothing exactly fell into our laps, and we were both content to leave things as they were. We’re quite happy together, and we do keep busy.
Of course, things don’t always STAY quiet! A couple of months ago, I met up with a friend of mine for coffee. This friend is a guy, and he is poly. In fact, I met him for the first time over a year ago with the intention of seeing if we would be compatible for dating. I liked him quite a bit, but he and his wife had very recently started to explore poly. She had a boyfriend, and I could tell that he was very eager to get his share much more than actually ready to date. I told him that I would very much love to be his friend, and we backed off. We didn’t actually meet in person again until pretty recently, but kept up with regular emails and chats over the year.
A couple of months ago, Matt and I decided to catch up in person, and got together. He is much more self-aware now and has a better handle on poly, and the chemistry was very strong. We kept things friendly and avoided touching except to hug hello and goodbye because of his limits, but it was very hard for both of us not to kiss goodnight.
Fast forward a couple of months and a TON of negotiation, which I will go into later, and we have decided to date. Our first official date is next week, and I really could not be more excited by this. He is a wonderful man, and very smart and fun. He is respectful of both me and my husband, and very willing to listen. And he likes that I am blunt, which is always a big plus.
I guess you can look forward to some stories about us, and possibly about my processing with his wife, Lizzy, who seems to be on the selfish side and reluctant to let him date anyone, much less a woman a decade and a half younger than her. It will be a process. 🙂
Blessings,
Kathleen
June 20, 2009
Questions from a Poly-Curious
1. What is the best way to explain to a potential partner that I *might* be poly?
The most important thing here is to be honest. Let them know that you think that you are interested in a poly relationship. Here is the hard part: assure them that you will be prepared to break things off and step back if you can’t handle poly, and MEAN IT. No one wants the pressure of falling in love only to have that person try to draw them away from other loves. You can only be so prepared for how you will feel, but you CAN be prepared to do the right thing if it turns out that poly is not for you.
If you’re explaining this to a partner who is not poly already, then you have it a little easier in some ways and harder in others. Let them know that you have thought about dating multiple people at once, and be prepared to hear that they are not okay with this. If they are, all the better. Try things out, talk about your feelings, and be prepared for one or both of you to want to pull back to monogamy. Keep in mind, though, that you will not necessarily be on the same page at the same time all the time, and it will be up to you to save or abandon the relationship if things get hard. If he takes to poly and you don’t, things may need to end between the two of you (for example).
2. If becoming involved with someone who has experience with poly, what is the best way to work through issues of jealousy which are fairly likely considering I’ve never had to share before?
The best thing you can do is be communicative. I don’t mean throw yourself on the floor and scream about your feelings when your lover is heading out the door on a date, but do make sure to set aside time both before and after they leave to talk about your feelings, good bad or indifferent. For general advice on jealousy, see the rest of my blog. 🙂
Blessings,
Kathleen
June 17, 2009
Introducing Monos to Poly
If no poly person dated people with no poly experience, we would be a very inbred group pretty fast. Every group needs fresh blood, which means that some of us will eventually have to date the inexperienced poly virgins. While this can be an exciting prospect, it is also a really risky one.
In addition to the risks that are inherent with any relationship, people who are “trying poly out” have not field tested their own feelings, their jealousy response, or their ability to share. We were all new to poly once, but that doesn’t make it any easier when your new love decides that she can’t see you anymore because you are married, or worse yet, starts pulling you away from your established relationships.
Monogamous people who try to “turn poly people monogamous” are known in poly circles as cowboys or cowgirls because they come riding into your life trying to “rope” you and “seperate you from the herd”. So a woman who started dating Michael and then started trying to get him to break up with me would be known as a cowgirl.
But when poly people talk about all of the risks of dating newly poly people, or people who are open to poly, they rarely also talk about the rewards. Imagine being the first person to lift a blindfold off of a person who wants to see. Imagine offering someone an option in their life that will free them, and that they never saw missing. It can be wonderful and beautiful.
I’m not talking about trying to convert the unwilling, either. Poly is not for everyone, and I know that. If you are interested in me, then you have to be cool with poly, and if you’re not, then you stay mono and we will just be friends. But I’m not such an old hat at this yet that I would turn someone away JUST because of their lack of experience. After all, Becky was “highly experienced” in poly, and she was the one who bungled things up with these two newbies.
Blessins,
Kathleen
June 16, 2009
Getting the Last Laugh
I happened to notice when I signed into my inbox on the poly dating site that something was different…Â The man that I had been arguing with, the one with little enough ammo in our battle of wits, is now known as “user deleted”. I guess that I am not the only one who let him know what a complete ass he was making of himself. Goes to show you, I guess… if someone stops in their busy day to point out that your fly is down, don’t flip them off because they’re not “your kind of person”, thank them, zip yourself up, and move on.
~Kathleen
Polyamory from the Inside Out 