June 3, 2012
Defining Relationships
I love my husband. But we don’t have sex. And if I don’t have sex with him, and we sleep in different rooms, then how are we different from roommates? And if we’re “just” roommates, then what significance can our relationship really have for us?
I know this is sort of non-sensical, but it’s some of the stuff that’s been knocking around in my skull lately, and it’s really throwing me off balance, so let’s get it all out, shall we?
What I’m really questioning, deep in my psyche, is what our relationship is, and how sex or lack of sex may have redefined it. After all, normal married couples have sex, so if we don’t, does that make us less married? Less in love? Less able to care for each other. Of course not, but my fears are the ones in the driver’s seat right now emotionally, so I’m trying to squish them. And that’s where defining relationships comes in.
For example, my brother and I share an undeniable bond. We hated each other growing up, but once I moved out things changed radically. We’ve become allies, friends, and companions, and although we disagree sometimes, argue, and get frustrated with one another, I’m still driving something like 14 hours with him to help him move out of state. Because I love him and he loves me, and we are Sibling. So what is sibling? It isn’t just about growing up together, because I know plenty of siblings who don’t have a special bond or even much of a bond at all. It was a decision that we both reached pretty much simultaneously around the time we came of age. I’ve got your back.
And maybe it really is that easy. Michael has my back, too. We don’t just live in the same house, we’re there for each other, and there’s an understanding, both stated and quietly understood, that we always will be. Like my brother and I, Michael and I have made a decision. I love you. You love me. I’ve got your back.
Blessings,
Kathleen
Polyamory from the Inside Out 
househo said,
June 3, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Did the sleeping in separate rooms happen before or after the stopping of sex with the hubby? I just ask cause there is a lack of intimacy of sleeping together that could be messing with your psychy.
notsofancynancy said,
June 3, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Things I have been wondering myself. Well said.
Kathleen said,
June 3, 2012 at 12:34 pm
The sleeping arrangement was a while back, before I figured out that I am a lesbian. I sleep as well as the Princess with the Pea, and while it was emotionally difficult to let go of sleeping together, it was amazing for me. The improved rest and quality of sleep has been worth it. (Michael calls me “Princess” whenever we discuss sleep issues. Heh)
Lady Phoenix (@WykedPhoenix) said,
August 7, 2012 at 12:01 pm
My husband and I have been married for 15 years, best friends for over 20, and we rarely sleep together and have sex even less frequently. Sometimes I find myself asking the same questions and you know what… I usually end up defaulting to the observations of our friends. They say things like…
“You two are like the perfect married couple.”
“Nothing seems to shake you two.”
“I want what you two have.”
“I see you both now tossing spit wads back and forth in the old folks home.”
“you guys are always so damn happy.”
And yes, we are that. We’re the best of friends, we share everything, we’re a dynamic partnership, we’ve great parents together, and we make a damn strong head of household to our very large intentional family. So why should I bother questioning myself as to if my marriage is still a marriage… of course it is. So what if we rarely have sex together, we still share a partnership and a special intimacy that is unlike any other and isn’t that what really matters?
Misti said,
November 25, 2012 at 7:47 pm
Hi Kathleen,
Just found your blog and am very interested in your life situation, mostly because here I am, in the same situation! I am very much wanting to speak with someone in my position as a lesbian married to a man.. Because I UNDERSTAND. I don’t want to not be with my husband… We have a child and one on the way… I cannot picture life without him. Every other piece of our marriage is wonderful. But the sexuality factor. I’m learning more about this and I would love to hear more from you! I appreciate your courageous blog.
PolyCouple said,
September 7, 2014 at 6:49 pm
My partner and I have been married for 5 years and poly for life. While we have been polyamorous together things have been a bit difficult, running into issues here and there. After we changed our ‘rules’ to be simply just open communication and honesty things got a lot easier. Thanks for your posting, we love reading about other people in similar relationships and how to navigate the emotions behind everything.
Rae said,
December 17, 2014 at 2:22 pm
What you wrote really hit a cord inside of me. Months ago someone had said to me, “Well if you and your husband don’t have a sexual relationship then you aren’t really a married couple. You’re more like roommates.” I’ve also heard, “Sex is the bond that keeps married couples together.” And that really hurt and for a while I was thinking they were right. But then over time, like you, I redefined what marriage meant for me. Once I started to center the meaning of marriage on things like unconditional love, loyalty, companionship, and patience I started not to view my marriage so negatively. I realized my marriage was full of great things that I wasn’t giving it credit for. My husband and I started going to therapy and our marriage is open which is a beautiful gift in and of itself.