July 11, 2015

The Hardest Part of Happy Poly

Posted in Elisa tagged , , , , , , , , at 6:18 am by Kathleen

I’m finding that the difference between my husband dating a woman I don’t know (which can be nervy for me, I admit, just because of all the unknown), and my husband dating my best friend is… there is so much love to go around. Elisa is enjoying getting to know and care for Michael (and him for her, of course), but she’s also very focused on being respectful of my feelings and boundaries and on making sure that I’m comfortable and still okay with their relationship (I am, hon!) There’s already explicit trust between all of us, and it makes the complications of our poly arrangement that much more worthwhile and the little ups and down that much easier.

Actually, the hardest part of this relationship has to do with how comfortable we are all with each other. Or, more accurately, what that comfort leads to. For example, Elisa was hanging out with Michael the other day when his mom called and said she was in town. Want to do lunch? We’re still pretty poly-closeted, mostly for the comfort and ease of the people around us, so when they went to lunch, it was strictly as (apparent) friends. And my poor mother-in-law was… let us just say confused. Why is Michael spending so much time with my beset friend lately? She’s got her suspicions, I think, and she’s fighting as hard as she can to convince herself that her son would never cheat on his wife. And he wouldn’t. But she’s also not exactly wrong.

Likewise, I just got a text from my next-door neighbor who was trying to find a subtle way to let me know that he’s seen my best friend’s car around the house a lot when I’m not home. It’s natural in our society for people to see a married man and a woman hanging out a lot and assume the worst of those people. I just wish that saying “Yup! They’re dating and it’s great!” wouldn’t make things even more awkward with people around the edges of our life. (Bonus fun: our neighbors across the street are famous all up and down the block for top-of-the-voice fighting about the boyfriend’s cheating ways.)


February 14, 2015

My Husband is Sleeping with my Best Friend!

Posted in Elisa tagged , , , , , , , , at 4:13 pm by Kathleen

…and that’s awesome!

My word, it’s been a long time since I’ve written here! Partly that’s because Michael and I have been fairly low-key about seeking partners, and partly there was simply too much else on my plate, but there’s been a recent development that’s quickly getting serious.

Due to some health stuff, my sex drive has been practically nil for a couple of years now, but between knowing he could get his physical needs met elsewhere if necessary and simply being a very wonderfully patient guy, Michael has been fine with it. That’s changing lately, but until very recently, I used to love to joke that it would be highly convenient if he and my high-sex-drive-but-dates-jerks best friend hooked up. After all, they get along great, have interests in common, both like sex (yay!), and she is a person I trust completely.

At first she was almost horrified; she accepts our choices, but she’s pretty strictly monogamous, herself. Well, until now, she has been. After her last boyfriend turned into Mr. Hyde, she confessed that she was sick of losers and was really hungry for a little physical intimacy with a guy she didn’t have to worry about betraying her. And I told Michael. And he sent her a text. And they started discussing it…

Elisa is still nervous as hell, but she took the leap, and I’m hopeful that their friendship is going to blossom into something really fucking awesome. In the meantime, I just kissed my hubby a very sexy goodbye and sent him off to my best friend’s bed (footnote, they haven’t had sex yet, but they’ve fooled around and actually slept together), and I am SO okay with that.

Compersion? Yes! And not a speck of jealousy or ill will. AND I get the whole damn bed to myself tonight. Win-win-win!

April 9, 2008

Poly Fidelity

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 8:19 am by Kathleen

Think of it as Monogamy-Plus!  Poly fidelity refers to a promise among any number of people to be faithful to each other.  This can refer to emotional and/or physical fidelity.  A poly fi group (as they are called) is a fairly neat concept, though not my ideal.  I think that for my own needs, I need either a fairly high level of freedom (as I have in our current relationship) or a very, very closed one (I would be happy being monogamous with my husband again).

Poly fidelity actually strikes me as really interesting.  It seems like an almost not-poly way of thinking, saying that you can love these people (versus the “this person” of monogamy) and are not allowed to love anyone else.  Is poly fi really poly?  I’m not sure I would say so, personally, but it is not my job to categorize and judge.  What I can say is that it is a good way for people to share their love, even just a little, with less emotional or even physical risk.  A poly fi group is less likely to introduce a new STD to the family, and they are much less likely to have any confusion about what is ok as far as dating goes (because the limits are strict), but there are those limits, and that is what doesn’t gel with me.

Michael told me that he trusts me to love others and still come back to him at the end of it all, and I always will, too.  He doesn’t need to limit WHO I can date.  On the other hand, if we fall madly in love with some girl or some other couple one day, who’s to say we can’t settle down as a family of 3+ adults and close the relationship?  Perhaps when our wild oats are sown, if that is indeed what we are doing, we will form a stable partnership with other adults and decide that we don’t need others.  Or maybe all of us will continue to date casually.  Or maybe it will always be just Michael and me at the core.  This is a wonderful journey.