July 11, 2015
The Hardest Part of Happy Poly
I’m finding that the difference between my husband dating a woman I don’t know (which can be nervy for me, I admit, just because of all the unknown), and my husband dating my best friend is… there is so much love to go around. Elisa is enjoying getting to know and care for Michael (and him for her, of course), but she’s also very focused on being respectful of my feelings and boundaries and on making sure that I’m comfortable and still okay with their relationship (I am, hon!) There’s already explicit trust between all of us, and it makes the complications of our poly arrangement that much more worthwhile and the little ups and down that much easier.
Actually, the hardest part of this relationship has to do with how comfortable we are all with each other. Or, more accurately, what that comfort leads to. For example, Elisa was hanging out with Michael the other day when his mom called and said she was in town. Want to do lunch? We’re still pretty poly-closeted, mostly for the comfort and ease of the people around us, so when they went to lunch, it was strictly as (apparent) friends. And my poor mother-in-law was… let us just say confused. Why is Michael spending so much time with my beset friend lately? She’s got her suspicions, I think, and she’s fighting as hard as she can to convince herself that her son would never cheat on his wife. And he wouldn’t. But she’s also not exactly wrong.
Likewise, I just got a text from my next-door neighbor who was trying to find a subtle way to let me know that he’s seen my best friend’s car around the house a lot when I’m not home. It’s natural in our society for people to see a married man and a woman hanging out a lot and assume the worst of those people. I just wish that saying “Yup! They’re dating and it’s great!” wouldn’t make things even more awkward with people around the edges of our life. (Bonus fun: our neighbors across the street are famous all up and down the block for top-of-the-voice fighting about the boyfriend’s cheating ways.)
April 14, 2010
Poly After Cheating
It seems to me that one of the hardest ways to become poly is an open minded approach to healing after cheating. I don’t mean telling your partner that your cheating was actually poly and trying to get them to go with it, I mean working, as a couple, to make the decision to open your relationship after as big a mistake as infidelity. It requires a lot of trust on the part of the wronged partner, and can be an extremely emotional process, I would imagine.
For some people, cheating is almost inevitable. I don’t condone it, but I can understand how hard it is for someone who is hardwired for non-monogamy, particularly if they haven’t been taught that there is any alternative. While some of these people invent the wheel for themselves and simply start out dating many people openly (Becky was one of these) many others try to force themselves into the mold of monogamy. Will all of them cheat? Of course not. Will they be happy? Probably not very.
While some people, myself included, can be happy whether they are poly or not, others will always feel a certain lack in their lives if they try to ignore that part of themselves, much like a gay man trying to fake a straight marriage. If this is you, and you feel driven to cheat, talk to your partner. If you already have cheated, well, talk to your partner. It is not going to be an easy conversation, and maybe not a pretty one. Your relationship may not make it, but if you really do need poly in your life, then a purely monogamous relationship was already doomed anyway.
Be clear about your need to express love and trust for others in a romantic way, and provide examples, if you can, of what great poly can be like. It can be very hard for someone to process this kind of thing quickly. Back off, give them time to think, and whatever you do, please keep your hands to yourself until the relationship is officially over or your partner agrees to a poly lifestyle. There is nothing worse you could do than to cheat again.
A poly relationship that starts in this way might start out with a lot of restrictions on the cheater. You might have more checks and balances in place, and it could feel like punishment, but please remember that this is hard for your partner, and that they really are trying to make things work between you. If you accept sometimes difficult restrictions as a direct result of your actions, eventually things will even out and your relationship may make it through intact.
Poly generally takes a very strong relationship to work. Cheating makes things much harder, but it is possible to successfully open your relationship if you are patient, open minded, and willing to communicate clearly.
Blessings,
Kathleen
April 4, 2008
Is Non-Physical Cheating, Cheating?
What constitutes cheating, anyway? I came across a wonderful definition a while ago, and I would love to share it here: If you are doing something that you would not tell your spouse (or SO, or multiple SOs) about, then you are probably cheating. Emotional attachments are just as important as physical ones.
In fact, it is possible to be poly and to never sleep with anyone other than your primary partner. Hell, it is possible to be a virginal poly person. How cool is that? Poly is about the openness to love multiple people, and has nothing whatsoever to do with sex.
By the way, I wanted to thank everyone for the wonderful responses yesterday and the warm words of support. It is sad that I have to stay in the closet to protect my son, but perhaps knowing that, others with fewer attachments or less to lose might have the courage to step forward instead. And as for those who read this to learn and not because you are poly, well, your support and acceptance is just as important.
Blessings to all of you,
Kathleen
March 17, 2008
TOW and Affairs
Being the curious little creature that I am, I decided to do a search for “the other woman” myself to see what I came up with. One of the results was a site called TOW or The Other Women, and is a site that is a support and networking place for women involved in affairs with married men (or the other way around, although I didn’t see many if any men when I was cruising the pages). Sick fascination had me reading things like “does your boyfriend wear his ring when he is with you”, with comments from the “other women” like “I tell him ‘Don’t touch me with that thing!’ He’s been forgetting to take it off lately. One of these days I’m going to throw it out the window!”
What a sick and twisted little world that seemed to be. I realize that not everyone is cut out for poly and that in most cases if a man asked for extramarital sex, his wife would hit the roof (and probably bounce twice), but to cheat? I swore to myself when I was a wee lass of 13 that I would never cheat, and that if I felt it was necessary, I would end the relationship, and I have stuck to that. But what about the kids, you say, what about the family’s judgment… Well, I’m sorry, but an affair just seems like such a sick and sad thing to me.
There is enough jealousy and turbulence in life without adding lies to the mix. Yes, knowing that my husband has had sex with another woman is painful at times or difficult, but it would have shredded my heart to know that he had had sex and lied about it. Anyway, a lot of the time I can just feel happy for him that Becky made him happy, and that is a wonderful feeling. There isn’t even a possibility of that in an affair.
Blessings,
Kathleen
March 5, 2008
Can Poly People Cheat?
It might seem like a silly question. I mean, if you are poly, then there can be no cheating, right? This is entirely false, and I will show you why.
When you enter into a poly relationship, you hopefully do so with the consent and the knowledge of all those involved. When you find a new girlfriend, you do not “forget” to tell her about your wife, nor do you remove your wedding ring when you head to the bar. For unmarried couples who are getting into poly, these same rules apply. To do otherwise is deceptive to the person that is kept in the dark.
Let me make it clear, also, that if you are having sex with other people and your partner does not know… this is not poly, it is cheating. Trying to dress it up with a legitimate label is false, and it sure won’t save your butt when you get caught.
That said, it is also important to know that poly relationships differ from each other. My husband and I are fluid bonded (obviously), but we are not allowed within our relationship to have unprotected sex with other people. If I were to go enjoy some fellow, everything would be find in our world. If I did so without a condom, it would be a violation of his trust, and would be considered cheating. Some couples require that sex only be engaged in when both members of the couple are present with the third (or more). Some prefer that their partner inform them at least 24 hours before they have a date. Some require permission before anyone is allowed to enjoy another person physically.
Whatever the limits of the poly relationship, breaking those limits is a betrayal of trust and, yes, it is cheating. Some people even cheat on purpose, perhaps seeing the person that they care for but that their primary partner does not approve of. In poly, trust and respect are very important, and cheating is a devastating betrayal of trust to which even we are not immune.
Polyamory from the Inside Out 