March 9, 2015
Is This a Date?
One of the fun things about poly is that it opens up the definition of the word relationship. Not that it isn’t broad already! I have a relationship with my mom, one with my brother, ones with colleagues and acquaintances, and they’re all very different beings and mean different things! But what about my… personal life? What about Relationships with a capital ‘R’? That’s pretty cut and dried, right? What about a one night stand? Is that a relationship? What if you’ve got a fuck buddy that you don’t interact with in any other way except when you’re horny? Does that qualify? What about a group of friends who all “mess around” with each other? Are those friendships or relationships? Are they both? Does it matter?
A friend of mine, who is also poly, recently told me about a friend of hers. They’re dating, but my friend is the only one who knows that. Once a week they go out for dinner and a movie, great conversation, and joyful companionship. He’d tell you that they’re friends who just enjoy hanging out alone together. She enjoys what she considers dates, is perfectly happy with the relationship exactly how it is, and would cheerfully murder anyone who clued her (friend? boyfriend? date buddy?) in and maybe ruined it.
Can you really be dating someone and only one person knows about it? It’s a question I’ve been pondering lately, along with questions of consent, ethics, and how relationships and attachments get defined, by whom, and whether they truly have to match. If I am getting what I want and need out of interactions with another person, does it matter if they define our relationship the same way that I do?
The difference, for me, is in the effects it has. If I was in my friends position and that guy was single, then I’d date away without a worry in the world. But if he was in a relationship already, then my feelings about our dates might matter to his other partner, and that is a secret that I just wouldn’t feel right keeping, even if it cost me my relationship or forced me to redefine it. Which is why, when I recently found myself in a similar situation, I decided that I had to come clean. It remains to be seen whether things will have to change, but I’m glad I didn’t continue to behave in a way that feels sneaky to me.
Life is complicated, but fortunately it’s beautiful, too. I hope your complications are glorious, and worth every twist and turn!
Blessings,
Kathleen
June 30, 2009
Feeling Good
I chatted up a friend today because I was so excited about the wonderful day that I have been having. He is someone that I was semi interested in in the past, but his wife seems possessive despite calling herself newly poly, so I backed off quite a bit. He is currently going through a lot, so we were having a talk about that, and we ended up talking about things between us and my feelings on why things are where they are. He wants to remain friends, especially right now because of the new things he’s figuring out, but he’s interested in trying to see more of me and in trying to let our friendship develop.
I can’t say what I want from that right at this minute, but I would like to think that things could go well for us, and he claims that his wife has calmed down. I WAS the first girl of his that she met, after all. We’re sort of half planning an outing now, and I am really looking forward to it!
Blessings,
Kathleen
June 19, 2009
Making New Friends
A long time ago, I messaged a man on the poly dating site that I was not interested in dating. He had said something interesting, and he was local, so I started a conversation with him. Fast forward about a year, and we now communicate regularly via email, exchanging several messages a week about daily happenings, etc. He is very polite and respectful, and has not made any passes at me.
It’s good to be able to make friends online and have them just be friends. He invited me out to dinner recetly, not as a date, but to get to know me in person, and I accepted. I will, of course, let the rest of you know what happens when we meet. I expect it will be a pleasant meal and some wonderful conversation. He shares some interests with me that Michael does not, so maybe if our friendship blossoms, we can spend time doing those things together.
This is one of the things that I love about poly. I don’t actually have any designs on this guy, particularly, but I can plan weekend camping trips or go out to dinner with him or any number of other things, and no one has to worry about crossing lines. If we roast marshmallows and go to sleep, cool. If we end up making out all night… well, aslo cool! The marshmallows and the making out will have to wait a while, though. For now, I’m just happy with a new friend to chat with.
Blessings,
Kathleen
May 15, 2009
Slow Learner
I really don’t learn. Honest. There are some mistakes that I am, apparently, destined to make about 50,000 times before I actually figure out that I am screwing up. 🙂
Here’s the problem: I think of my blog FIRST as an educational tool, and SECOND as a place to dish on my love life. Cool. But because I think of it as educational, I tend to point people toward it when they have questions about poly. You know, like people that I am interested in dating. Enter Rae (hi hon!) Rae is a very gorgeous, very sweet, very submissive girl who is dating a friend of mine. He is poly, and she is… open minded. We’re slowly wearing her down (that’s a joke, people).
So, welcome, Rae, and I will try not to say anything bad about you. 🙂 At least not as long as I know you’re reading… hehe.
Blessings,
Kathleen
February 29, 2008
Blurring Lines
I was talking with someone that I care deeply for, and who’s partner does not want us to have a relationship beyond friendship, and I had the urge to tell him that I love him. We talked, and neither of us could really define the line between friendships and relationships. Friends love each other. It is, in fact, a big part of friendship. The only difference that we could see is sex. No sex for friends (in our case. There are friends who do that, too.)
Seeking help, I turned to a friend on chat:
kathleen says:
Hey Steph, all sexual crap aside, what is the difference between friendship and romance?
Stephanie says:
sex
Kathleen says:
you are sooooo helpful
Funnies aside, it doesn’t seem to be a concept confined to poly, however as a polyamorous person, I am in a unique position to experience friendships as deeply as I want without the fear of hurting or alienating my husband. I find this freeing and beautiful, and I am really glad that I have the opportunity to love and to express my love for this guy. I will probably continue to tell him so from time to time – I told him today – and I expect nothing from him but his friendship until and unless his partner allows more. For now, it is enough to love and to be loved, and to be a good friend to him in all ways.
Polyamory from the Inside Out 