February 16, 2012
Hot Lesbian Sex for YOU!
I’ve got some great news, but I also need YOUR help! One of my short stories, Navigator, has been short-listed for a best-of collection by Circlet Press! I need your votes to make the cut! The voting is here, and the story is Navigator, by Kathleen Tudor.
But of course, I wouldn’t ask for your help for free! Anyone who comments here or emails PolyKathleen at gmail.com to say you’ve voted for me will get a free PDF copy of the (very hot lesbian erotica) story to enjoy. Once voting closes on March 15th, I will also randomly select one winner to receive a free copy of the eBook in which Navigator appears, Like that Spark.
Please help me out! Spread the word, cast your vote, and get on your Twitter feed!
February 10, 2012
Lesbian Married to a Straight Man
My husband and I have a great relationship. We’re best friends, we talk about everything and communicate freely, and over the past decade we’ve grown to be a part of one another as integral as an arm or a leg. I can’t imagine what life would be like without him.
So it was uncomfortable and scary when we sat down and he told me that he didn’t think we should have sex anymore. Let me back up a little: we used to have sex a LOT. This was tied to my personal insecurities. On a subconscious level, the more we did it, the more he was tied to me. So I was always ready to go. But as I got past a lot of my issues and he helped me break through barriers in my heart and mind, beating back depression and self esteem issues and building me up as a whole person along the way… that drive for sex diminished until, over the last few years, it has vanished entirely. I am just not interested in sex, at all. I’ve tried “fake it until you make it”, but although I don’t find intercourse repulsive, I also don’t find it rewarding, even when I reach the, uh, pinnacle of the event. I keep a mental note of when we last did it so I know to give in to advances if it’s been more than a week or so, and, well, it was sort of getting transactional and icky for both of us.
So Michael sat me down and told me that he was frustrated and hurt with feeling like he was obliged to make the moves on me, but getting turned away more often than not, and I really can’t fault him for that. He said that if he isn’t being rebuffed, that we just go on the assumption that there is no sex, that’s something he could live with. We talked it out, I cried and felt like a horrible wife, and we decided to give it a trial run for the month of February. And then he closed with something that shocked me: “I’m like 90% sure you’re a lesbian, anyway.”
I don’t know why that should shock me. I know I like sex with women, I do NOT like sex with my amazing husband, even when it fulfills me physically, and the idea of other guys’ penises (peni?) just squicks me out something awful. I was once playing with a male sub and got precum on my hand, and had to do the “YUCKYYUCKYYUCKY” dance while his back was turned because I was so grossed out. Hell, I even SAY, on a regular basis, “I am a lesbian and Michael is an exception. ”
So, yeah, the lesbian thing probably shouldn’t have shocked me. But it did… because even though I joke about it, I have never really accepted that I am anything but bi. After all, if I’m gay, then I’m the ultimate failure as a wife, right? And if there’s no sex, there’s no marriage, right? Michael is currently helping me to prove both of those things wrong this month. There has actually been MORE intimacy with us because I am not afraid anymore that if I snuggle him or kiss him or even do a little flirty groping I will have to put out. And so far he says he is happy with our arrangement, even without intercourse.
It’s going to be a long road to figuring things out, but I think I can say with pretty good certainty that I am indeed a lesbian (in a SUPER confusing situation!) And I’m married, quite happily, to my straight male husband. Life is interesting. Life is good.
Blessings,
Kathleen
August 11, 2011
Haven’t stopped shaking yet…
Whew! Just took a risk and even though it didn’t pay off, it wasn’t so bad. Yesterday I briefly met a young woman, around my age, gorgeous, friendly, and possibly flirting with me. And then I left. I was very tired and didn’t think until after that she might have been not-straight (I have a habit of presuming that every woman is straight until proven otherwise).
I happened, coincidentally, to have a way to probably reach her. So I tried it. I called today, and said “this may sound crazy, but were you maybe flirting with me?” She sounded shocked, a little pleased, and very amused, but the answer was no.
And guess what? I didn’t get stabbed through the heart. I didn’t lose any fingers or toes, and no matter how scary it was, it wasn’t painful at all, even when my gamble didn’t pay off.
So maybe next time you see that perfect guy or gal, and you’re too scared to take the risk… ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen, and then ask yourself what’s the best? Maybe going out on a limb could really be worth it.
May 12, 2011
Unfortunate Tangles
I have a good friend. I’ve been half in love with him since we met about 7 years ago, but at first I thought it would be a betrayal of Michael to have feelings for someone else, then we were poly but he was still off limits because he was in a relationship for a long time. Finally, recently he became available but I hesitated. I didn’t want to jump in like a vulture before the carcass of his former relationship had so much as cooled (and trust me, if facebook can be believed he had plenty of other she-vultures to contend with!) Then I was not sure if I wanted to risk our friendship or upsetting the group dynamic since he is also close friends with my step-sister and her husband.
Apparently my step-sister doesn’t feel any of the same compunctions. They were semi-poly in the past (they were more like swingers, in a way. They would pick up a girl together, have threesomes with her for a while, but it was a purely physical thing from what I have observed.) She and her husband have been dealing with some marital discord and neither of them is great at communication… can you see how this is the opposite of what I generally counsel? Yeah, it gets worse.
Here’s what I have pieced together from the current drama: My step-sister asked for permission to ask our friend out. Her husband, knowing that our friend has a problem with the idea of poly, said yes just so he could throw it in her face when the friend said no. The friend said yes. I would guess that he has had a crush on her for a while, possibly in part because she has been flirting with him for months. (He was also apparently in the midst of a personal breakdown when she made her move, so we can argue vulnerability here, too.) The friend is now in love with her, and still not okay with poly. He is subtly but strongly encouraging her to choose, and since he is calm and loving and her husband is having what might be called a prolonged tantrum, he is hopeful that the choice will be in his favor.
Part of me hopes that the therapy my step-sis and her husband are in result in some resolution and her breaking things off with our friend… I’ve still got feelings for him, but at the same time I am disgusted by his behavior in this situation. I know my brother-in-law can be a jackass, but no one deserves to have his wife swiped, and my friend has made this clear that that is his “best case scenario”.
I’m sort of feeling the urge to avoid everyone involved until the inevitable explosion happens and things calm down. GOD I hate drama.
May 9, 2011
Sometimes…
Sometimes poly is beautiful and wonderful and almost perfect.
Other times the guy you’ve had a crush on for almost a decade starts dating your step-sister… whose husband gave permission, but is, in fact, not okay with it.
More later… 😛
March 29, 2011
Insecurities are all about YOU
If you are experiencing jealousy, there is a pretty good chance that it is an unfounded jealousy (if your partner is threatening to leave you, well, your jealousy is founded for sure, but you have bigger problems.) Jealousy is a sneaky and harmful emotion if you let it start to take over, and it can harm your relationships as well as both your and your partner’s happiness. But don’t look to your partner to make it go away (although maybe he or she can help). Your insecurity is the root of your jealousy, and that is something you have to examine and deal with on your own.
So how do you deal with it? When you feel jealousy, you are feeling your insecurities made manifest. You are, in essence, afraid that you may lose your partner to this other person because… why? In what way are they “better” than you? It’s time to step back as far as you can and objectively (I know it’s hard) look at what you think is so much better than you are. If you can do this yourself (“I’m afraid he’s more handsome, but we’re both good looking guys.”), cool. If you can’t, it’s time to involve your partner, not to bolster your self-esteem but to help you sort through what the new person may have/do better, what your own merits are over said person, and why these things are important to your partner.
The rest is all processing, I’m afraid. You have to examine your self-esteem flaws to death. You have to hold on to your trust of your partner, even when you feel like it’s killing you. Because in the end, the only one who can banish your jealousy and insecurity is… you.
March 24, 2011
I want a cuddle buddy!
Last weekend I felt sick. I had a lot of work to finish up (mostly it was done, it just all needed editing and finishing touches), and some sort of cold, and my husband was at his family’s home hanging out all weekend and was not being very responsive to texts. It was a sad, lonely kind of weekend, and I realized that what I truly want isn’t necessarily a relationship (although I wouldn’t rule one out), but I friend I could call up, hang out with, and just talk and cuddle. There is one good friend of mine who would be perfect for that if she didn’t live so far away.
I wonder how you go about finding yourself a cuddle buddy? Does anyone out there know what I mean? Have any of you had thoughts along these lines? Maybe you have a cuddle buddy of your own? I’d love to hear others’ points of view.
March 23, 2011
Polyamory and Guilt
PolyAnna had a great post last week about the various kinds of guilt that many poly people experience. They were in-the-closet guilt, unfairness guilt, and if I understood her correctly, just plain guilt about being poly.
The first kind is pretty easy to understand. You might feel that you are unfair to an OSO if you aren’t out at work and can therefore only bring/talk about the known spouse/partner at work functions. You might feel some of the same guilt at family functions if you are not out to everyone. And on the other side of the coin, you might feel guilt for not telling friends or family, particularly if the secrecy is to protect one of your partners when you might otherwise be “out”.
The second kind stems from the fact that poly is just rarely fair. You might both WANT to find new partners at once, for example, but that doesn’t usually happen the way that you hope. And while you are out enjoying yourself and basking in the heady cologne of NRE, your partner is sitting at home. Alone. Maybe miserable or at least lonely. This isn’t always the case, but it is certainly a source of guilt.
The last type seemed a lot like the second to me, but I think it was more of a “time spent” guilt. For example… If I weren’t poly I would spend more time with my kids. Or maybe “if I weren’t poly I bet I would be a better husband.” But for some people, poly is just a part of who you are. You aren’t cheating or trying to be unfair… This type of guilt, I think, is almost entirely societal.
Guilt can be helpful up to a point in that it can force us to take a look at our actions and whether they are truly warranted or whether they are really the best option. Once you have determined that you are doing the best you can, communication with your partners about your guilt and wanting to let it go might be the first step toward relaxing guilt’s hold on you.
March 22, 2011
Not What I thought
I hadn’t thought about Matt and our failed relationship for months until about a month ago (maybe more) I had a totally random dream about him in which I ignored him while shopping in a store that he owns. He confronted me about ignoring him, and I said he was beneath my attention, and that I’d let him know if I needed help with my purchases, but I didn’t have anything else to say to someone with no balls. Hey, it’s a dream, I can be a bitch if I need to!
I’ve thought about him a bit off and on, and wondered how I’d react to hearing from him now, or contacting him. I was afraid there would be a lot of anger or resentment, and I wasn’t sure how I felt, still, about the way our friendship (not so much the relationship) ended. And then yesterday I got a spam message from his email. I sent him a polite note back to let him know he’d been hacked (I always figure better to get swamped with messages to that affect than to have all of your friends assume someone else will tell you). He sent a message back that was probably a “form” message to his entire inbox, basically thanking me for my concern, letting me know he’d been hacked and the steps he’d taken, and apologizing for the messages. Impersonal, professional letter.
And I felt nothing. No hurt when I saw his name in my inbox, no problem being distant in the communication about the problem… he’s like anyone else I don’t know well or don’t have a relationship with, no hurt or sentiment attached, apparently. It’s nice to know, and it isn’t what I thought it would be.
March 17, 2011
Does the Secondary get the Shaft?
My husband and I have a primary relationship. Period. But there is the possibility, eventually, that someone will come into our lives and become so important to both of us that they become a third primary in our relationship(s). Until then, no one has the priorities, the considerations, or the power in my life that my husband does.
That’s not to say that I don’t respect secondary relationships. In fact, I was a secondary (an interesting experience for me!) in my brief relationship with Matt. Okay, his primary relationship was wobbly and damaged, and it ended up costing me a potential relationship with him (and him one with me). But other than his wife’s super-special-crazy-sauce, I found the secondary relationship comforting. I didn’t have to be the primary source of love and affection in his life (okay, turns out I did, that was one of the many problems – but I shouldn’t have had to be), I didn’t have to commit tons of my free time to the relationship since we were both busy, and I still got plenty of affection and support.
BUT… I already have a primary partner. I can see how these things – which I thought of as so wonderful – can be a big downer for someone who is single. No attentive primary relationship, competition of a sort with the primary (for time, for attention, for affection), and possibly worst of all, the power that someone else may have over your relationship.
What do you think? Do secondaries get the short end of the stick?
Polyamory from the Inside Out 